I DON'T DATE

What it really means ..... for me.

I have been postponing starting this article for so long that imebidi nijiite kamkutano cause yoooh. It’s that kind of postponing that you are aware of, maybe cause i didn’t know how people would take what i’m about to say in this article rn …. but o’well.

I’ve used Entergalactic cause i loooooveee this movie. For me this is what real intimacy is, well not all of it but some of it. So, personally i crave intimacy, i wanna smoke a blunt with somebody’s son and then wash his hair and massage his scalp as we listen to music and maybe light up another blunt. That’s my love language i think, i like taking care of the hairs of people who matter to me, like i don’t think kuna any of my close friends wenye sijamassage kichwa ama taken care of their hair in a way or another. I wanna wear a guys shirt after some very good mind blowing sex, like the one that leaves you in shambles, not sure where you begin and where he ends, toes curled so hard you almost get a muscle cramp and cuddle …. and other intimate shit.

Here’s the thing tho …. i don’t want to date said guy. I want to wake up the next morning, go back to my house, light a blunt and meditate and continue with my life as normal. i want a lover, okay lovers, not a boyfriend. I believe intimacy can exists without the shackles of dating and labels sijui ‘ boyfriend & girlfriend ‘ oooh sijui ‘ situationship ‘ kiasi kiasi mtakuja na ingine muiite ‘ ghostship ‘ where you guys just ghost each other once in a while ….. come to think of it that’s an awesome idea. Anyway if there’s one thing i dislike about our generation is how quick we are to label things …. unaongea na mtu a mere 3 weeks ashakuita situationship, like yooh …… somethings are not meant to stick, some people are meant to be a one time experience and the fact that we wanna hold onto them is why we are in so much depression and pain as a generation. Like not everything necessarily has to mean something. That one drunken sex we had last week after the club, sure it was amazing and mind blowing and everything in this world, but si lazima we try to make a meaning of it or explore it again. I’m not trying to be heartless when i say this and of course it depends on the situation ama your relationship with the person.

Dating has never been a dream for me, like ever. Ata nikiwa mdogo, like primary and shit, and almost everyone i knew had a sunday school boyfriend or girlfriend, i never had one, my first and only boyfriend was after highschool and we only dated for like 3 months. Not because i had strict parents or anything but bcs sikua naget the whole concept of attaching yourself to another human being like that…. same thing with getting married. It’s never felt or seemed like freedom, for me it just felt like a cage. Now i’m grown and it still feels like it, i am actually the one who ended that relationship cause i felt suffocated. Maybe you’ll argue that ‘ you’re yet to meet the right person ‘ . But i already have. Its me … i am my own person …. i have always been my own person….. my other half ? … she’s me .

You’re probably thinking i’m saying this in the cliche way people say it but they don’t mean it and actually hate themselves, no …. i actually do love myself …. like legit do love myself, i put in the work over the years, learnt to love myself, to look at my darkskin and see gold instead of ugliness, to kiss the woman i see in the mirror cause she’s so gorgeous i just wanna eat her up

. I’ve gone to hell and back for myself, rewired my brain from negative thoughts to positive, healed my inner child, sat with my inner teen and now i’m learning the lady i’m becoming. When i tell you i love myself … trust that i mean that shit … i literally address myself as ‘ my love ‘ and ‘ darling ‘ in my inner voice …. when i listen to love songs ? i am thinking of myself …. kwanza leo someone has hooked me up with a great song, ‘waza by kethan’ … thank you obuya's thoughts for this master piece

Anyway, as i listened to this song, yk who i was thinking about? me …. i’ve actually dedicated this song to the wonderful woman i’m growing into, i have others dedicated to versions of myself in the past and in the future too. So no when i tell you

‘ i don’t date ‘

si juu somebody’s son broke my heart so bad i’m scared of trusting someone … i’m actually the one who broke his heart, something to which i apologised about last year. I reached out to him, we talked, i sent him a voice not saying sorry, yes a voice note and no i didn’t say any buts , and he also kinda apologized cause it’s not like he was perfect and yeah that was it. We’ve never talked again and no we didn’t hook up after that text but i usually wish him the best in life. But yeah, you get my point. When i tell you ‘ i don’t date ‘ …. is because i’m already in a very committed relationship with myself ….my life rn is a love letter dedicated to the 80yr old me, that’s if nitafika hapo. i love my own space and my lovely daughter Sienna ( just to clarify she’s a cat ) but niskie ukisema she’s not my kid. This is literally her

I am dedicating my whole life to myself, mm sitakudanganya i’ll put you first, i’ll always come first, and i’ll never love you more that i love myself. I love my freedom more, and to be honest, dating especially rn is not more of love but ‘ please tolerate my unhealed self but i’m not going to put any work in healing or dealing with my childhood trauma ‘ and no i’m not saying that people who are yet to work on their issues do not deserve love, i am just saying don’t expect everyone to stay and deal with that version of you and i believe it’s okay. It’s okay for you to say you can’t love someone who is yet to meet their inner-self if you have, that’s just taking care of yourself, cause we are the people we fuck and the people we surround ourselves with.

Secondly, when i tell you ‘I don’t date’ it’s bcs i’m very fascinated by the human life. The way we live, human interactions, how different we all are, the human brain, kwanza hii … if you’re also fascinated by the human brain too you should check out ixcarus articles they are soooooo goooooood. Eeeeh, sooo weawozai? …. ooh yeah, i’m fascinated by the general human experience especially the concept that everyone is living their own life, as vivid and complex as mine, sonder, in other words. And so i crave to experience as much as i can, some of the experiences i’ve had with people aren’t the best, some have ended badly and others have been great, some have been a one month thing others a week thing others a 5 minute thing … from those random strangers i’ve smoked a j with in club washrooms and have never seen them again … to the guy i was ‘talking with ‘ last month who went to show his hbs out texts and even let them listen to my very intimate shit that i’d sent him.

Both of experiences i’ve heard with different versions of people, whether good or bad, i enjoyed them. I enjoyed listening to that girl tell me how she is in love with her man and she loves him so much before she passed me the lipcombo covered joint, that one random night at Iced. Ata sijawahi muona ever again, but o’well, i enjoyed learning that the guy from last month has an app where he tracks aeroplanes that pass around his homeplace since they live near an airstrip, i for one thought it was such a cool hobby, i told him and he stopped being embarassed about it, ninja thought it was cringy … smh … anyway although he’s perfectly blocked in all socials rn, i at least changed his life in a way that he’ll stop feeling bad about something that he obviously enjoys doing, and maybe that’s all i was meant to do in his life. That was the end of our timeline together and i have no problem with that.

For me it’s the experience that matters, not how long it lasts how or if it will last forever. I got to experience another human being and not in that sexual way, tho that did happen to but you get my point. I like to think of myself as an experience too, not a possession(girlfriend) , or a title( mother), or a role …. but rather the sum of what you feel when you meet me and the echo i leave behind.

So no … i won’t be dating anytime soon, and yes i’ll have sex with niggas i want and y’all can call me a whore or whatever you call a woman with the morals of a man, smh ….. it really doesn’t bother my mental darlings, for whatever happens i am mine before i am everyone else’s and thats not going to be changing anytime soon.

Ciao darlingss